AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

"AND I GET TO KISS YOU BABY JUST BECAUSE I CAN!"


Once in a BLUE MOON.

Watch for it, I kid you not.

;)

Stanley123

This little man will never fail me.

:)

(I swear I'm going to be the old cat lady down the street.)

oh my goodness.

I'm so sorry.

all you wanted was a friend. a true friend.

how depressing.

and once again. I found my smiley face. and once again. I laughed.

chapstick is for chapped (b)lips.

I desire to realize that my understanding of this new knowledge is truly the road to curlier days.

I accept apologies, but not through hyperlinks.

I know how to validate. Only certain aspects of this purple pod.

Night walks do calm me down. Even if my nose does run away from me and my fingers disappear. it's worth a shot to try and 'accidentally' halt in the middle of the street and find head lights blaring into my eyes saying...'GOTCHYA!'

Just like my fly swatter.

I'm just another fly. But I have red wings. Nobody else has red wings...right?

Please,

find me.

Numbers.

They always seem to surround us. Telling us how terrible or excellent we are.

How many months.
How many lbs.
Percentages.
How many words.
How many gallons of gas.
How little lbs.
How many smiles.
How many cups of coffee.
How much makeup.
How many hours.

"Quality NOT Quantity," I always say...

(really though, it's only becase I don't know how to switch the phrase around. it takes too many minutes.=dissapointment.)
1,2,3...

But.

You wanna know what I really wish?

That I truly knew how to read a BOOK.

Kiss and Story Time.

It still makes me nauseous. that noise.

But I have no gag reflex. So I don't know how to throw it up.

CD ROM.

Everyday I feel different. Everyday I feel better. Everyday I smile for no reason. And everday I care about something. Even if that something is close to nothing, at least it's a something.

Everyday I feel like dancing.

Everyday I learn.

I really enjoy learning. I once said...'I want to stop because I want to grow up.' That's why I stopped. And now so many more reasons fall into the category of stopping. I get to find some sort of roots. and I have. Which makes all your tears far too distant to even wonder about.

I do care. But only as much as you do. So I'll let you decide where that line falls.

The Call.

That ball of light. only exists when I want it to.

I forgot. Forgetting is hard to do. But I manage to soak it in like a sponge.

The moment those three lines start to flash...I remember. And THEN that smiley face on my umbrella laughs with me.

It's truly exquisite. Not really. But it is super fun.

:)

haha!

and to that I say... FUCK YOU.

at least I don't lie to myself.

So,

You live. and you learn...

"Okay OKAY! I've learned...now what, huh? NOW WHAT?"
...
Oh honey, you still gotta live.

and so it is.

I cannot wait.

We were just singing. All of a sudden my dots overflowed with warmth and the rock started to roll and roll and roll and roll. Snowball effect? I guess you could say. In order to depict the way the snow kept latching onto my fingernails.

...this story. written months and months and months ago... but today when you said that you found your old "sweetheart." the chills sent down my spine for that glimpse of a genuine smile :)!

Uh + Door+ ed.

???

... (3 part CHEEZY)

A story...

The beginning: She glanced up and met his smile.

For those few months, that's all it was. The eye-catching glimpse of the unknown cravings between the pretty girl, and adorable boy.

Innocence.

She knew nothing of him. He knew nothing of her. But something was similar. And as time passed, her smile shrank as his grew flat.

He found another face to hold while she pretended to curl her lips up, and laugh whenever she could.

More time passed, and love was thrown at her. From directions she never expected, from directions she couldn't toss back. So all she could do was smile,

while the months slunked on.

And possibly, the feelings were forgotten, but they were still kept snug withing the cute little toy chest in the back of her mind.

One day, she took the key, unlocked, and kissed whatever it was that had been hiding.

She let it pour, she let it bleed, she let it sink.

Tears slid down her cheek. She carefully licked her dry lips, pressed her fingers upon her swollen eyes, and took the deepest breath. She sank to her drop. Her body became limp and she found herself immidiately laughing...hysterically.

SMILE. (and say Cheese.)

The Middle:

She was sad. She shouldn't have been though. She did love it all. She wrapped her fluffy pillow around her head and screamed. As loud as she could, she screamed. She screamed until the blood in the back of her throat seeped inbetween her teeth. She screamed until...

She screamed until her body grew weak, and well...she fell.

That word? Was it truly that, that she had been enveloped within all this time? No. Maybe. It's a possible thought. It's a lovely thought. But with the thought of being in IT, she grew roots that kept her STUCK. No more was she lost.

Stuck. The roots had no where to grow but down towards the worms.

So, she sank deeper. And deeper. Until she was sucked into hatred and the terrifying feeling of losing. True smiles were forgotten. Fake. and Lies. She wished upon every star, and every eye-lash, and every full moon that they would soon turn real. But, nothing, not a hug, a glance, a yell, a story, a giggle; nothing could keep her from a Fake.

This was it. Nothing new. She simply just, was.

Ridiculously stuck...No legs to run with. No mask to disguise. No thing to show her teeth. Only that of what was now dead. And, of course, at this particular moment in time, trying to find it would of course be a never ending maze of HIDE-and-SEEK. Goodbye.

(Beginning of) The End:

"I love you."

"And I love you."

They kissed, letting each others lips linger for as long as they possibly could.

They quietly whispered 'Goodbye' into the others eyes.

Her:: She slowly spun around on her bare heels and slipped into her car. When she turned her focus out of the window, he had disappeared. She smiled, giggled, and wiggled and drove away, carfeully. Not letting her mind wander off of his face. Not once.

Him:: He nudged her soft body towards her car. Holding onto her gentle hands for as long as the growing space between them allowed. He watched her stumble through her door. And as she sat, he skipped away with the burning feeling in his chest. The burning feeling to scream his smile but, he didn't. Instead, he skipped. Too quickly, becasue soon enough, his skips turned into runs, and one run turned into a trip, and he fell.

He felt no pain.

Her.

and

Him.

Something has to be worth a few scrapes here and there. It was worth some sort of bloody knee.

Worth.

Person number 1.

I still see the pain in your eyes. I always will.

I'd like to....

reach into your shirt pocket.

drive three miles per hour.

lay down and have no idea where the car is taking me.

and

watch Dumbo fly away with his HUGE ears.

Only if it's okay with you.

Of course.

:)

With loads of love,

...

Me.

hmmm.

It's nice, ya know?

Not NEEDING.

But now, I forget what WANTING entails.

Can't even crack open a can of 'OOPS' anymore. Or even, 'COME HERE.'

just something i heard one day. (a new favorite.)

"To say that you are cute, is like saying a strawberry is sweet."

...

I wish I had made a copy...so I coul remember why. So you could remember why. So I could lie underneath those blinking lights and just hide underneath your palmtrees.

Oh dear. What fun. Yes, what fun.

mushy and gushy.

Fuck dude,

I'm always in the mood for love.

Reason.

It's easier to just say it out loud...

"You are dead."

I'll see ya in the afterlife.
(although, I do enjoy the curly locks with hott hands SO much better.)

Don't worry about it.

Just another addiction added to the list.

If you could just, hold me? Like that...okay...good.

Breathe IN. and OUT.

ALL GONE!

Happy day.

Simplicity. I always knew I enjoyed you.

Come home.

FLASSSSSHSHHHHHHH!

I have that THING, and it's on a STRING.

AH! hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

With love,

Sally Jerry Bob

Click, click, click.

The leather ran through her hands and the hills bounced them around.

It exuded between the two in the front. You know, it.

The pretty girl was sleeping in the back with her forearm gently placed across her eyes, with her knees rocking side to side as they turned round and round and up and down.

QUIET.

Dun da dun dun Dun da da dun....laaaa laaa laaaaaaaaaaa.

"This song. It hurts my heart."

"Me too."

................................................................. watching. watching. watching.

"Why does it hurt you heart?" (such a puppy dog)

"It just does..." How could it not?

p.s. hello.

Precision. Decision. Oh, dear.

You wanna know what I want to do?

I want to sing with you. Just once.



Please, stay the fuck away from me.

Apologies my good man.

But something seems to have switched it's home...?

P.S.

You remind me of...me. (the anger, the love, the pain, the falseness, the reality, the voice, the confidence on top with the vulnerability underneath, the 'cute' chubby cheeks. the constant fear of loss.)

Trust me, love, you won't be saying it forever. I promise.

P.S.

I used to love too.

(I'm still filled with P.S.'s)

Boom, boom, CLAP.

There is a bruise.

All of you are beautiful. Most definitely.

Just POP the question.

Coward.

Boom, boom, clap!

SAY CHEESE.

I get to ride on the train tonight.

I can feel a REALLY REALLY hott one.

Sleep time.

The first night I didn't continuously hit the number 4.

Was the first night you told me something.

Was the first night I woke to you.

Was the first night I didn't hear your voice.

Since forever.

I like these things... HAH PEE.

"Love's never going to be totally certain, but this could be bordering on ridiculous." -Anonymous.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." -Epicurus

"What use would it be to know that? You musn't live in the past. Don't weep over what cannot be helped. Devote your energies to what you can still change. You haven't the right to give up the struggle." - Flavia Bujor.

"This is what I imagine love to be; incompleteness in absence."- Edmond & Jules de Goncourt

Let's think about the ratio of those who are truly happy...and those who aren't.

...it's kind of sad. even the happy part.

Well this is a pleasant fiction, isn't it?

Pretend, that it's five years from now.
Pretend, that my hair is long, and you have a scar on the bone of your cheek.
Pretend, that my music box is broken, and I no longer hold my knees into my chest.
Pretend, that the airplane's stopped flying.
Pretend, that my stomach was stapled shut.
Pretend, that you have lost all memory to what has happened.
Pretend, that my car was smashed in a terrible storm.
Pretend, that it's ten years from now.
Pretend, that I read all your letters.
Pretend, you slip into an unrelaxing coma hoping never to wake up.
Pretend you do.
Pretend you don't.
Pretend that it's seven years.
Pretend that it came full circle.
Pretend that I read that stamp.
Pretend you're alive.


Pleasant. Yes?

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

It's something that I miss...not something that I want.

Rip, slip, Brush. AH!

Here's the deal.

I saw my teeth the other hour.

A lot. They weren't BRIGHT white, but they were pretty bright.

Um. I also saw remnants of something I used to wear around my head. But then a bug crawled into my ear and... well.

There were a lot of bugs where I was.

But, when I looked into the mirror and saw my teeth, I couldn't look away.
And then my hands laced up like shoes and I laughed.

The purple around my eyes, and the constant noise from the book on the windowsill just tore me apart.

And then sleep.......I could feel my teeth burning.

Sleepy tight.

Voice.

You make me hate myself. You make me fear myself. You make me hate every self. You make me FEAR every self.

I'm addicted to you. But I need it to go away. When I find myself truly alone, I find the addiction start to either dwindle away, or surface like an errupting volcanoe. Either way, I'm ADDICTED.

I would like to say it's easier once you get the hang of it. But that would be a lie, because to say it's EASY, would be lightening up the situation. Or making it far more dramatic than necessary.

I lost the note. I accidentally wrote love, but I meant lost.
It literally wasn't my fault though. THey asked, so I gave, then they lost! How on EARTH, my dear, could you have lost it!

Ouchyyywaawaaaaaaa!

'I would like a ONE WAY ticket on the Polar Express please?'

'ALL ABOARD!'

wait.

:Come outside...I want to see what you look like in the wind:

There is this burning feeling inside me.
Just a little bit in love.
NAHHHHH.





never ever. NEVER ever.
(I'm gonna go throw up now.)

baby balooga.

Half of a pie. that equals.....? what, hmmm. I don't know.

Half of a pie...that equals a semi circle. which equals the length of that needle if you bent it in a particular way.

that needle. it equals the throbbing eyeballs. which equals the engulfed laugh inside your chest.

half of a pie. that equals 1/2 the ball of light (with more volume of course) that restricts the grasp of that REPEAT.

the RePeat button got yanked out.

half of a pie...that equals the amount of times I've accidentally sit on the repeat button. and it somehow still manages to replay.

half of a pie, equals the same area as the triangle on the play button.

PLAY. PLAY. PLAY.

Green means GO. so....GO!
...GO! GO! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half of a pie... equals that insanely, beautiful smell that we breathe when the window across the street exudes blueberries, and raspberries, and strawberries, all mushed together crumbled with a fluffing crust.

Half of a pie.

It equals you.

The other half...my refrigerator ate it.

Or... okay, I did. But don't tell anyone.

I regretted it though. I really did. It made me seem LARGE. and disgusting.

Half of a pie... equals...
half of me.

Blue and White.

That's just it...

I hate goodbye's.

Yet, they always seem to land inside with, simply, the flick of a wrist.

Just a little forgetful sometimes...

Goodbye. (...oops.)

"Never forgive."

I realized just then,
I have no idea why I still care.

I don't, that's just it, I don't care.
Sorry...but I just can't help it...I DON'T CARE.

And because I don't, I've just transformed you into one of my fingers that I rip to it's last breath. So...BLEED. Go on, BLEED.

My god I hope it kills you. those lips curl down, and your eyes tear red blood. I hope those tears swallow up your eyes to the point where you can't see anymore.

I hope one day, you become blind. Because then, maybe I could feel some sort of remorse towards your being.

But, until that day. I hope the Moonlight burns your skin all the way through to core of your heart.

Tra

la

LA!





...Moon. (ha.)

yeah, I know.

NOW. I am then.

NOW.

What do you want to find again? Tell me so I can keep it snug safely inside my wooden treasure chest. Please. I want to know. I don't want to lose it like every one else.

Yourself.

Yourself.

Yourself.

Give me your silence. Give me your tired. Give me your tear drops.

So, I can feel that space start to fill up. and UP and UP.

I can't stand the empty Jack in the Box. Without a Jack to pop out...it's just simple notes that combine together to create one lonesome tune that makes all the little children's stomachs drop. And choke on their lollipops.

Please, just be quiet.

You could've been such a hero, you know? Just with the way your arms used to hold the weakness.

Let's take a ride...back to that place. that moment. that look. that feel.

I want to go back to the moment of interlocked eyes, and fallen faces.

I want to go back to fearing my biggest fear. instead of embracing it.

I want to go back to the rain drops, and the wind, and the lips, and poison, and the shaking, and the waterfalls, and the lipstick, and the clapping, and the reindeer, and the colored lights, and the trust, and the goodbyes.

I want to go back to the goodbyes.

Hello...? Is anyone there? hello!

hello purple...will you cover me?

That day, I wanted to run away...but it's hard to run away from your own feet.

I remember sitting in that blue room. It was so blue.

I watched the older girls. The song would play and their eyes would tear up. The tissue box would be thrown to the middle of the tile's and they would grab that white delicate square as if it was the last thing in their life they would ever touch...

I used to wish I could cry. I wanted to be able to feel what they were feeling. I didn't understand why it was so sad? I thought I did. I wanted to. I tried to cry, but no tears surfaced. They were all stuck inside my clogged tear ducts. My own tears were clogging themselves. (ah, yes.)

I sat there. With my stretched eyes and stared at the older one's. They couldn't keep it in. You could feel those painful breaths.

'My goodness, it's just a song...why are you crying?'

It didn't make sense.

I remember sitting in that blue room, wishing I could cry...

wishing I could feel...SOMETHING.

and now?

... well.

can you REwish a granted wish?

wish...wish. wish.

Wish away.

relapse?

can you call it that?

sure you can.

but that doesn't mean it still isn't fun.

I'M NOT FUCKING YELLING.

CRISPY.

This wind. It feels comfortable. It reminds me of snuggling up in my bed with hott coffee and the warmth of...that thing. That thing. What was it? It's not in my bed anymore.

SILENCE...

It's cold again. My room is windy and I woke up 3 (thirty).

something to keep me slightly warm.

that's all.

not always.

Sometimes,

I sit in front of my mirror. And, I talk to you. and you. and you. and you. and you...

ready, set, GO!

and a BOOM.

and a CRASH.






...yep, the worst part is over.

On a completely unrelated thought...(than yours I mean.)..

I read someone else's letters the other day.

The end of one said...

'P.S. I love you.'

I found a piece of paper on the ground last year and on one side it said...

'To:

Marshall B.'

Below it, encircled in a heart... 'Remember Me.'

The other side...

'let's Dance'

I read someone else's journal the other day...

'I'm not happy, and nobody knows. I'm not happy, and nobody notices. I'm not happy, and the thought of you is the only thing that calms me. I'm not happy, and you are dead.'

I read somebody else's hand today...

'a swirl, and a curl, and a dot, and a rose, and BUTTER.'

I read somebody's face today...

':PAIN:SMILE:FEAR:LOVE:silence...'

I saw the moon last night, right in my window, at three-thirty in the morning...as usual...

'My goodness doesn't that look beautiful? I miss you, you know? (smile)'

I looked into your eyes today...

this is what I saw...'care'

I listened to you today... and I told you...

'I forgave you... a while ago, if that matters...'




She picked up the musicbox, began twisting the knob....She heard nothing.

She heard...NOTHING.

Potential.

"Baby you've got the Sort Of hands to rip me apart. And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart. But your eyes are warning me this early morning. That my love's too big for you my love. Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me. And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me. I find you stunning, but you are running me down. My love's too big for you my love. My love's too big for you my love. And if I was stronger then I would tell you no. And if I was stronger then I will leave this show. And if I was stronger then I would up and go. But here I am and here we go again. Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales. That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales. That you don't need me, but you won't leave me. My love's too big for you my love. My love's too big for you my love. And if I was stronger then I would tell you no. And if I was stronger then I will leave this show. And if I was stronger then I would up and go.But here I am and here we go again.Tell me what to do to take away the you?And if I was stronger then I would tell you no. And if I was stronger then I will leave this show.And if I was stronger then I would up and go. But here I am and here we go again..."

I believe in something. And I'm pretty sure, that that's exactly what the problem is.

It's as if you're dead. Well, not completely dead. It's like, you have just been declared as one among the
MISSING PERSONS.
The search team has began grouping together to find your precious body. Alive, or dead.
I'll be there.
Don't you worry.
I'll make sure I get to see your smile one last night.

The idea of you being dead...dislike.

Directions: BREATHE. BREATHE. breathe.

I promise you it won't be difficult. For most people, it's something subconcious. I trust you have the strength for it.

Make those red eyes turn white. As white as...that cloud, right.....THERE.

It's innocent, yes (I know), but don't deny that you understand.

i forgot to mention...

oh. the hair on my head...it was really long.

(You may not believe me, but it was nice to see your face.

I can see your pain...

No matter what.

take it in, sir, take it in.)

365...about that.

1. We were inseparable. 2. We went to Whole Foods for the first time. 3. I saw you about 11 o'clock every night. At my front doorstep. 4. I was in a Circus. 5. We listened to Aristocats together. 6. You swam a lot. 7. You brought me flowers. 8. I made you pancakes. 9. You made my brother eggs. 10. We started writing our deepest thoughts to each other. 11. We were best friends. 12. We were best friends. 13. We were best friends. 14. We were best friends. 15. I lied in the bed of your truck. 16. You drew on my sidewalk in CHALK. 17. We hardly knew each other. 18. You were just a 'school friend.' 19. You told me I looked nice. 20. I didn't even speak to you. 21. I knew that I loved you. 22. We watched the Jungle Book. 23. You constantly came to say 'hi.' 24. I danced, only a little bit. 25. I was a princess. 26. I saw a UFO. 27. You kissed me. 28. Beach. 29. My favorite ring broke. 30. I wore a brown wig. 31. I was still lopsided. 32. I still ate peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches everyday. 33. I cried in your arms. 34. You took me to buy false eye-eyelashes. 35. The three of us got really lost. 36. You didn't kiss me. 37. I had NO clue that the days were going to feel like suffocation.


...Will you please just pick up your fucking head? I'm tired of seeing it slip. and slip. and slip. and slip. and slip. and slip. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.

...So is the Celtic Christmas music.

Goodnight.

light mare.

Tick, Tick, Tick.

I was stopped at the stop light. The early morning innocence lifted my lips and craved my smile.

"What are you doing!?" She laughed.

"Smiling..."

"NOOOOOOO....why!?" There was an overwhelming excitment inside her.

"I'm happy for you..." I was smiling.

I looked at sky that was turning brighter by the second. I saw the ordinary homeless man, with gray dreads and his shopping cart, slowly hobble in front of us making his way down, down, down...

I was smiling.

Tick, Tick, Tick.

There was silence for a while. All you could hear was the green arrow blinking from within the digital dashboard.

"What are you smiling about!?" Still...Excited.

"I told you, I'm just really happy for you."

The one without the wheel smiled a cute smile.

The light turned green. "Go GO GO!!"

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

She wrote...The thought of biting my ear does still make me die inside. But, I don't want die anymore. I don't want to kill myself. That's why I am filled with pen's and paper. I fill myself with them in order to remember the innocence of my smile. I love my smile. I love smiling.

Get used to it, Sir.

I'm ready to let loose.

When I look at the clock...

I see these times...

7:11

11:22


Make a WISH!

Goodnight

She walked into the black room. The colors peaked through the moonlit shadows and she softly pressed her door until she heard the click.

As she took her first step, her hand went under the back of her shirt as she unclasped her white-laced bra. Off. She took the next step and smoothly pulled down her flowy skirt. Floor. She picked her princess socks for the night and wrapped them around her feet.

Standing in front of her very own christmas tree, she saw the moon glowing within her window. Her bed was shining with comfort. She pressed the play button and the Leaves started to move. As they do each night. The Adventure struck. And the a Sweaters wrapped up France.

Her body filled with exhaustion as she delicately layed on her lopsided cloud. Her knees nuzzled into her chest. The pillow was yanked to hug. And finally she whispered...

"I miss you..."

The next room over stayed silent. Across the freeway is too crowded to hear. And all the way over there, the city movement is too mad a rush.

...

Address.

What scares me is that...the thought of me swimming across that ocean over there, so I could be as far away as possible, used to freak you OUT.



And Now...you don't even know what color nail polish I wear.

(And if you don't. I will. Eventually.)

Who's the fairest of them all?

I sat there. Staring at the movie screen.

The Killer on that screen took both of his hands and smoothed them over his slick hair. As his hands curved over his round head, her hands caught my eye. The girl, sitting in front of me. Her hands did the same exact motion at the same exact moment. DOWN, LIFT, OVER, DROP. All at once.
It was as if they were mirroring each other.

I knew she did it. No one else believed me. I knew it was her. She killed him.
No one believes me. No one even knows he's dead.

And when they find his blood stained body lying on the gum-stuck concrete...I will know who shot him down.

They won't even notice that his chest isn't moving. They won't think about the fact that his heart has stopped beating. They won't even realize that his brilliant green eyes will never look at something beautiful ever again.

I know he's dead. I know he will never see anything beautiful again.

I made sure of that.

I sure did.

quiet please.

When it doesn't wrap me up, I feel incomplete. I seem to fall apart.

I guess that's just it. I've fallen apart without this everlasting moment.

I don't believe in happy endings.

I don't believe in endings at all actually. But especially the happy ones.

I have a pair of little white socks. Take them as you wish.
But, I doubt that they'll fit.

By the way. It's been washed. Now the smooth butter is all that's left.

"We are trying to make our life into a fairy tale."

Clean Ex.

Nothing will surface, my dear.

It's all been ruined.

It's a pile of ruins.

Clean up, darling, clean up.

Here's My Secret For You::

I wish you read these words that I wrote, so you would miss me and remember who I was.

Asshole's.

I wish you knew I wrote words at all.

You used to know.

Now, it's just bullshit.

Splintered Stuffing.

We sat on that park bench.
The blanket enveloped us in its warmth.
And we cried. For an ever lasting moment.
We Cried, Cried, Cried.
The red velvet cupcake in one hand, and my teddy bear in the other.

We knew it was the last time we would ever hold ourselves together.

So we
squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezed. Tightly.
Something better sparked their eyes.
And it made sense.
But I was always beautiful.
Something atrocious sparked my eyes. Yet, I couldn't look away.

So, again, we sat there. In completely silence, except for my heavy breath's of pain. I squeezed my bear and because I couldn't think anywhere near STRAIGHT, I squeezed the other hand, and the cupcake mushed through my fingers and fell on my lap.
I laughed. HA!
I cried. SAD.

"I made this cupcake for you..."
"Yeah, I know..."

I saw a tear run out of their eye. But they quickly swiped it away. I don't think they know that I saw it. But I saw it. I wanted to catch it for them.

"And...you know I don't hate you, right?"
"Yeah, I know..."

They seemed to be terribly angry.
My question was...why?
But, I guess that's always my question.

"I'm sorry, you know?"
"Yeah, I know..."

We sat there. The wind made my face tingle. In that wondrous way it always does. Where your nose becomes rosy red along with your cheeks...you know?
Sprinting ice. That's what the rain felt like. It felt like ice was sprinting all over my face.
The wind picked up. And my hair whipped my ears. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't look into their eyes anymore. I know exactly what would happen. I would wipe the frosting on their nose, and run away. But I don't want to run away. They want me to run away. But I won't. I will not.

I WILL NEVER RUN AWAY.

Too late.

I'm already halfway down the block.

They're still sitting there aren't they?

In the dark. With a blanket. In the rain. With the wind.

No, no. They left long before I did.

But the blanket is still there. Along with the frosting. And...my teddy bear.

Oh, no. My teddy bear.

I left it there. It's going to get wet with the rain. I don't know what to do. I can't go back. I can't see where we sat. I can't. Especially if they haven't left yet. I guess I'll just let them have my teddy bear.

HERE. TAKE IT.
TAKE MY TEDDY BEAR.

TAKE MY FUCKING TEDDY BEAR.

Please...






please?

Well, that's banana's.

Silhouette's. Beautiful Silhouette's.

Stripes of light. Leg.

Woosh. Swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish, STOP.

"I wish I was the last thing on your mind, before you went to sleep..."

I was too interested in the hourglass, I suppose. But soon enough, the sand ran out and power took hold.

"I wish I had your favorite beaut-y spot..."

Now, let's see.
I guess what happened next, was that it happened too soon. Too fast. Too quickly.

Love Love Love. I'm aloud to love.

So, we danced.

Can I show you something.......it's amazing.
Look out into that black hole.
We are no where.
I want to show you where NO WHERE is.
It exists. More than you think.

"and it was on a hidden bit, that nobody else could see..."

Whap. Kazaam.

The thing is, the black water didn't scare me. It was beautiful. We literally were no where.

The only problem, was that it all happened too fast.

I wish I realized that I didn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't have wasted my time trying to keep it.

It's the only thing that makes her smile now.
He isn't happy!
The fisherman, well...he just needs some food...(girlfriend.)

PLUNK.

Hair was ripped out of my head.
Breathe's weren't difficult. Breathing is fun.

"I wish I was the last thing on your mind..."

And, okay so...
We stood there. Watching the deep black.

And what I realized is that, this is all so pointless. Way too pointless to care about, at least. Especially to that extent.

So then. Care was smashed.

"...before you went to sleep. I wish I was the nicest thing you've ever seen."

A Wish. While Fairytales Come True.

Replay Repeat Repeat Repeat...

"First saved message. Sent...at..."

1. Sleepover. Just you and me, yes?

2. It's 12:00. Happy Birthday. I'm not being an asshole.

3. Welcome to moviefone! Congratulations.

4. I'm proud of you.

6. I know your busy, but I wanted to say goodluck.

7. I was just wondering if you've seen the night sky tonight. Look outside, it's cool.

8. If this is about my hair...

9. We have a clean slate, and I love you.







I'm listening...

Truth without Adjustment.

I'm Sorry.

Help out.

It's a small dose of sugar.

That's what is supposed to help the medicine go down, correct?

And it does. Until the medicine is out.

Just a spoonful, is the usual way to put it.

It's a medicine. It's hilarious...that's what it is.

Everything really.

So, the spoon is slurped down, and then the waiting period begins.

'...Should begin working within twenty minutes of ingestion...'

So you sit. And the syrup begins flowing throughout your body and swarming the infection. Better Better Better.

The sugar is sweet. The sweet is a smile.

Bitter is dead.

The smell remains in your nostrils. And the taste lingers within your buds.

"SMILE! SAY CHEESE!"

It's warm. And comforting. Considering it was so familiar. And so usual when we were younger.

And now that it has surfaced back to it's original pure state, with as much sugar as needed. The medicine will rid of it.

The sugary medicine.

I fear the day it disappears.

Thank you for making me laugh so much.

I've needed it.

Everytime I leave, the precise smile fades from my body.

But the warmth of the sugar remains.

Thank you for making me laugh so hard.

I've really, really needed it.

Plunkity plunk plunk.

"Alert! ALERT!

Please, this is very important. We interrupt your viewing broadcast in order to warn you.

This is an ALERT. Listen. Do not look away.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

It's coming again Folks. That's right. Dumby the Dinosaur has resurfaced. He has plooooowed his way through the dirt and engaged in another fight among our army.

Watch OUT!

...and Beware.

Do not let those kids loose! You know what will happen.

ALL WILL FAIL.

All this beauty will not be destroyed if we stick together. Don't let him harm you!

He is only a DUMBY. remember. Only a dumby."

My heart didn't sink today.

But, I know what will happen next time. Next time, it will be pushed into my stomach. That's what will happen...yes...that's what will happen.

Word Vomit.

You promised.

YOU PROMISED.

(ugh. the things I used to say on this website.)

They look like they have fun.

Solidified Emptiness.

Lift your heart.
And surrender it down.

My Body was filled with sand today...

And, at one point, there was this memory. Of a red heart. Perfectly curved at the tops and presicely pointed at the bottom.
Directly underneath the right curve was a lightbulb. It was SO bright then. So bright it was almost purple!

...Those crazy kids...

It slowly lowered down. SLOWLY.
And the light dimmed.

Soon enough it was just a shrivled up, black ball of dust that was tied tightly with a red rope. It is stuck in the precise point of the bottom of the heart.

The heart is drawn on a piece of paper. It's white. The heart is surrounded by white.

''''''''
And, there was this dinosaur!
It wasn't purple.

:So it wasn't Barney?

:: Nope, I wish. His name was actually Ralph. He played the piano.

:Did he eat you?

:: A little bit. But then he spit my arm back out and gave it back to me.

:Well, that's nice of him.

..........
I punched a wall today.

Why?

Because it felt good.

Did you bleed?

A little.

Sweet.
...........

Rain rain go away. We all want to play.

NO WAIT! COME BACK! I WANT TO SING IN THE RAIN!
--------

The couch is empty.

-No it's not, I saw someone sitting in it just a second ago.

That was a second ago. I mean right now. Right now, the couch is empty .

-Yes, I suppose your right. But it's not always empty.

Sometimes empty, is good enough for me.

-Oh bloody hell.
----------
Tell me something. Are you happy?

+No.

Okay. Just wondering.
=======

Please, just listen.

=======

Don't be angry.

It's coming back. And I can't stop it.

But, please...

Don't be angry.

I still love you.


Five years later.

...I apologize.
I really do.

All I want, is for you to be happy.
That's all.

I'm sorry.

Please know that.
Please.

It's impossible to stop caring.

I'll listen to it forever. and ever. and ever.

p.s. I never sleep. and the christmas tree is always lit. come talk to me in the dark if you want, before it's too late. I see the good now. the bad has slipped away.

Lemon TREE.

Seriously though, it's not that beautiful.

I would like you to believe me please.

The lemon tree.

Sour.

Green.

Big.

Sunny.

I'm telling you.

it's ugly. it's REALLY REALLY ugly.

The music makes it look better though. The music makes it look somewhat elegant in it's glowing glare.

The pinkish orange flowers that surround the lemon tree are lifted by the plunks of the piano key.

I wish I knew which keys to plunk.

I wish that, although I do prevent it. And continue to prevent the song from singing.

Oh well.

Laugh.

Ha.

Laugh.

Ha.

Laugh.

Ha.

Ha..

Ha...

lace up.

I realize now that you already have...

but please,

don't let go.

vroom, vroom.

Would you like to know the funny part?

it's pretty much an exact replica of what I created in my mind.

nothing remains. as does no one.

so, please. do us all a favor and keep it that way. no one needs to know the real reason behind those pathetic scars left around your face.

it's a secret that you promised to keep.

a secret that if you know you let loose, will come and pick your atrocious face out from an excited crowd and pound your skin into the ground.

You will scream. and cry. and kick. and blood will fly everywhere, but no one will notice. no one will care. for you, my friend, deserve every blast that is thrown at you. and you know that, don't you?

so please, wait a while to come and find me.

because, if you arrive too prompt, I may remove your breathing pattern.

This is only to caution you. Do not walk around in your life with a constant fear of breath loss...this is only a mere reminder of what will sit in the back of your mind for the rest of your life.

So please, do me a favor and get the hell out of my pillow. my head would like to lie there without your dull thoughts boring into my brain.

Thank you. Thank you for removing yourself from the premises.

I'm assuming we'll meet again.

In about sixty years?

Let's hope so...Let's hope for the best.

Wrinkle, wrinkle. Buzz, buzz.

They walked along the splintered side walk. Quickly, her lenses turned dark, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of large, beat up sun-glasses. The concrete was bright.

The man's balding head had a few gray sgragglers of hair placed about his scalp. The light wind blew them carefully. His skin was largely kissed by the sun with creases of damage. His lips were a dull pink consisting of wrinkles up and down and left and right. He kissed her on the cheek.

Her thinly poofed fifties haircut was died a golden red in order to hide the gray. Her purple glasses placed low on her nose. Her dark blue eyes glanced back at his green ones.

They both reached out each other's paper soft hands, and laced their fingers together.

The old man kissed her on the other cheek. Stood up as straight as he possibly could and focused on her face. He smiled. Swivled his body towards the direction of the car.

He started to slowly walk as his hand pulled hers. They took small steps together.

Holding hands the whole way.

Twinkle Twinkle Large Moon.

pancakes in my hands at two in the morning.

WEAKSAUCE...meaning, the hug was weak. It sucked. Expected.

Accept the expected unexceptedness. I have.

I should've listened to them a long time ago.

Beautiful in Blue.

A ball of light.

I see it a lot. It's this ribbon of light that reflects the colors of the rainbow. And, it contains nothing really except a wall. A THICK wall of bricks.

And, I find myself throwing punches at the wall while my legs try and leap over the gigantic ball of light. Nothing really seems to ever work.

Slowly, sometimes, one string begins slipping out of this ball. It loosens and swims through the rest of the flat ribbons of light. Allowing some sort of appearance and shape to what has been blocked for so long.

Truly though. My feet will walk through the corners of my brain into old images: those that are forgotten, those that are remembered, and just can't seem to untie anything.

So instead, my blue cave eyes freeze on the bare olive green wall in which I am confined to do nothing except...stare. So I do. I stare and wait for the anger to slip under the crack, and the caves to drown with water until the drought comes, and the caves paintings reappear. (and Sid the Sloth can lose Pinkie.)

The pen begins to race around the paper in rage trying to end it's inkie life, while the paper is in pain with each stroke of a swirl.

The speakers switch from loud to soft as the ghosts ears POP.

The sticky lollipop is glued to the desk. It's lonely I suppose.

In. Breathe. Splash.

The convulsing pain of a never ending shake of the body. That means it's physical, yes? You wouldn't imagine that to actually exist now would you?

The cave is far beneath the ground, and is kept secret to those who discovered it.

It contains thick strong walls and miles of a ceiling, but as you walk through it, the cracks grow wider and the rivers run faster and the mud grows softer.

There is one dirty shirt hidden under a rock,

can you find it?

I doubt it. Nobody can.

Well...maybe not NO BODY. I mean, I'm sure you could if you tried.

But most, don't even know the shirt exists.

And then there is the purple knife. Used and rusty.

The worm sleeps on it.