EW!

gross.

BOW!

is it odd?

that as I walked down that corridor, it smelled like kindergarden? it did.

and then that funny indian man kept falling into the same path as me. I made a new friend. he was funny.

i got up to barf and the flight attendant reacted as if we were going to CRASH. stressed out, man. WAY too stressed out.

la vie en rose.

the fruit really isn't that bad. and neither is the sushi (mmmmmm). the coffee is delightful. and so is the tea.

it was as if everything in that bag, the bag of worries, was smushed away.

ALL the way away.
especially as I walked down the river.

I wore a hat. And socks.

And the stupid lady didn't let me bring in more than 6 items...I had to rejoin the queue.

Anyway, I guess...the point...the point the point the point.

.

:)!

river.

1. i'm in love. it's absolutely amazing :)

2. not a product. i'm not. so, i will decide not to be.

3. someone else cares more than you.

4. darling. just because I said it, doesn't mean it's the best. use your own words...it's a little weird.

5. new hands.

6. it really could not have been any better.

7. kisses on the cheek are better than...(almost) ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

...

1. I don't bite my lip anymore.
2. my legs aren't that gross.
3. I still am big(ger).
4. My fingers still peel.
5. My hair is back to natural (almost).
6. I still have my pony tail from over a year ago.
7. I'm growing my hair out.
8. I remember that smile SO well.
9. I knew you wouldn't call.
10. We were friends.
11. I don't draw footprints.
12. I don't really write.

Maybe.

Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead DEAD. Deadeaedeadeadeadeadeadeadeadedaedeadeadeadeadeadeadedaedeadeadeadedadeadeadeadeadedadead.

dead. dead. dead. dead.

DEAD.

It's the only way for me to just blank out. I see everything else, except that.

So...DEAD.

I dunno. I guess it makes sense.

I had something to say.

I really did, I came here to say something specific, and now I can't remember.

You wanna know what gets me more excited than it probably should?

Buying then WAITING to use new toiletries.

It's SO frickin exciting.

I wish my Chai Latte lasted longer.

I wish you didn't cease to dissapoint me...then again, it's nice to know that I have NO fear.

Thank you for showing me how to be fearles...no, not thank you. BLESS you.

I will not throw away another unnecessary 'thank you.'

door.

CLOSE.

CLOSE.

CLOSE.


shut.

BAM!

KAZAAM!

Shaquille O'Neil?

CLOSE!

CLOSE THE DOOR!

guilty.

BOOYA!

STOP IT.

I dunno. I saw tears again.

I just wish that you new it would be alright.

"You make me feel safe. I feel like if you were a part of my life you wouldn't let me fail. I'm afraid to fail."

...I dunno, it just keep replaying in my brain.

I love you (all).

Sometimes I legitamtely think I am bipolar=Sorry. I hate it when
it(grendel*) happens, just as much as you do.









*me

Not Until You're Fully Grown.

It's just that. I like what I feel. But I dislike what I see. I like the colors, and the pretty eyes, but sometimes there is just a time to be silent. And you don't take a second, not even a SECOND to realize that. I wish I knew how to fall sideways, but I don't know how to tilt my body that way. I mean...I can to the left, but not the right. And that's the way I need to go.

I know where I'm going though. Actually, I have no idea what the future has ready for me. Which is what I know, and which is what makes it so exciting to the point where I want to scream.

AHH!

I found it today in my drawer. Something I legitamately forgot about. I forgot about you. (subconciously, of course)

Well that's nice of you...

Honestly? I'm no where near mad. it's just stupid.

I am so happy to learn.

Stop suffocating me. You have no idea the way it SHUTS my brain down. I think of NOTHING when it comes to rompers.

Italiano... deserves a smile.

Hard work feels good. Even if it gets me no where...it still feels delightful.

I want to WANT twist my fingers around someone else's.

Ehh, just kidding.

Hello, stranger.

No, I don't write anymore.

But there is something I'd like to say, to myself...at least.

1. I noticed that you started to each sushi rolls in two bites instead of one. I noticed that I've started eating them in one bite instead of two.

2. I don't sit in my care as much. But when the rare occasion does occur. Oh BOY! do I love the calming wind.

3. I cried. And I couldn't control it. You all...it was hard for me to know what it was truly like to CARE about you. but holy shit. I always have. there was just too much standing in my way to realize it. Something else I can say with confidence... "I will miss you."

4. I love my room. I finally have somewhat of a home.

5. Although my eyes have been red. It's been kind of nice have a blurred sense of the world. All I really do is listen. or feel. Not it's not the end of the world and I purposely try to not make a sad face. But it is quite interesing. Really.

6. Things make me laugh. Things make me cry. I'm so excited to be smart. And learn. And have NOTHING stand in my way. Well, let's hope at least...yes?

7. And with that...I know that it's all in your head. in our heads. in my head. I can't wait until it's so natural that I don't even have to think about it.

8. Growing up was harder than I thought. And I still have so much further to go.

9. I love you. All of you.

10. What I want? To hold a hand. And kiss a cheek. I love to smile. Thank you for talking to me.

--Aquamarine.

p.s. I still don't know where I'm going. And quite honestly. I'm still so fucking excited.

POOP ON THAT SHIT!



:)

month.

1. nobody cares. stop telling us.

2. I'm terrified. Pretty soon, goodbye won't be just for a few long hours, and days. And short weeks.

3. Pretty soon goodbye will really mean.......exactly that.

4. Holy shit.

5. I know what it's like now...to be loved in misunderstandings. To be loved in chaos. To be loved in the future.

6. I know what it's like to be loved in the future.

7. I'm terrified.

8. Miss.

9. Letters.

10. Cookies.

...Goodnight for now. sleep tight, for now.

I SAID GOODNIGHT.

I dunno man,

I still think it'll all be okay.

Everything is going to BE OKAY.

HA!

It's nice. Really fuckin nice.

I miss eating ice cream.

ya know, for a while...I was stuck there.

But today. I felt myself grow-up some more.

And all I had to do was run.

explanation.

I must be a Monster.

RAWR!

Calm down.

how many is it again?

We are taught at a young age to cover up what we are actually feeling.

You want a lollipop...your mom says no...so you cry. And immediately she says, 'SHHHHH!'

You aren't allowed to let people know that you are upset at the fact that don't get to taste that red lollipop.

You stub your toe, but you aren't allowed to just yell 'FUCK!' and get away with it.

--Socially, unacceptable.

From those days onward...nothing is really true. No one says it. No one means it. No one does it.

Paranoia? Maybe. I wish I knew what I needed help with.

I wish I could say I was always honest. I try to be, and sometimes it works out and sometimes...well it just doesn't.

But please, don't be a hypocrite thinking that you are some noble leader of your kind.

Maybe it is your fault. After all... and eye for an eye don't you think?

Or, maybe, it's just an eye-lash...hell I can't remember.

I guess, my point is.......I want to cry when I don't get to suck on a red lollipop.

..........yeah.

That's all I want.

To do...

1. Grow the Fuck Up.

2. Be more attractive.

3. Climb a tree.

All equally do-able and exciting.

(this isn't for me ya know...well, entirely.)

blastoff!

I love how easy it is to say those three words.

Actually, it's easy to say a lot of three words.

Three words.

HA, HA, HA.

Degrating? Yeah. But it won't stop me. That's what this is about, right?

... I

Don't

Care...

I do though. I care about a lot of you. For lovely reasons.

This happiness didn't just shit out of my ass.

ew.

:)

wait.

p.s.

I really miss being alone.

.

that's just it though. if i wait. I am giving into myself.

something else... I have to teach you something.

SOMETHING.ANYTHING.SOMETHING.

my finger is bleeding...

I'll wait.

I have memories of things that never happened.

They feel like...a REAL dream. A dream that's real.

I wonder what happened in my past life (lives).

Patience is all...

the night is young(er).

I know it's early...

but I promise you, we are going to do bigger and better things than we hardly can imagine...

ellipse's exist for a reason.

explanation=ellipse's.

ah well...:)!

{p.s. how frickin adorable is that picture?}

it's all for the sole reason that it's easy to blame it on someone else.

it's true.

so true.

Time Stopped Today...(iwish).

Ya know, I never knew that keeping secrets would keep refilling my water jug.

Hiding behind my own pointer finger hasn't seemed to have worked thus far...so maybe I'll use my whole hand.

Failure? No, I don't think that's where I'm going.

Just a hybernation...in order to prove to MYSELF that I am worth my own time.
And so that I don't have to look at that pathetic smile knowing that within your teeth is a build up of dark black plaque waiting...just Waiting to let loose and splatter my face.

I haven't always been like this...

(the sad part is...is that i know this is
exactly what you wanted to happen)

Catch 22.

I just saw that face, remember?

When you were someone else just to make me feel like I was also...someone else.

Do you remember that?

It's a force. A force to make your self...UNcare.

And I truly believe that that is what happened.

There was a cause to that force. A light to the match. A rip in the seem.

But you did nothing to stop it.

Nothing.

Thank you, I know what it's like to miss something...I guess that's the good part.

STOP LOOKING AT ME.

STOP STARING AT ME.

STOP WATCHING ME.

I let you see my legs. I let you see my hands. I let you see my naked wrists. I let you see my eyes. I let you see my hips. I let you see my lips. I let you see my neck. I let you see my face. I let you see me.

But please, I hate it when you stare.

I won one!

Disgusting.

I find disgust.

The way you chew and your gobbled double chin STILL thinks it has some sex appeal

while you throw yourself so discretely into their arms just to feel...wanted.

If you say the apathy takes over your life. Then quiet down.

Everybody knows.

Quiet the FUCK down.

I guess my problem now, is that I do care.

I really do.

(It's just getting a little difficult to disregard the multiple faces.)

Raw.

I walk in and I smell the organic air rush through my nostrils but I don't exactly realize that the smell exists. It's too familiar to notice.

I walk in and my eyes take me to what I desire. I pay, I walk, and I sit.

As I walk. I get stares.

Those stares that I used to give those who sat alone with their meals in front of them.

But, I find it to be the most calming alone moments I have amongst my hectic days.

I don't care if it seems that I don't care about anything. I do. About a lot. It's just that I keep it all within my mind, which makes it seem to the outer eyes that I haven't a care.

Oh, but I do.

So, I sit there and I think of nothing except the GRUB I am chewing with my teeth.

I see families look at me as if I'm some sad infected teenager that wants to be noticed.

I love watching all these people walk past me.

Bro's eyeing me in confusion as to why I'm 'ALONE.'

But, that's just it.

that word...ALONE: I crave it.

it used to be my biggest fear. but now? I crave it.

WHOLE FOODS.

I forgot again,

But all I needed was a little boost from my eyes in order to get me to remember.

Like I always say...

"I'll see ya."

bomb-a-deer.

... they felt it. I mean, the thing is. is that I felt it less than they did. Is that logical?

I just want that feel of delicacy. That feel of silence and lace-y undergarments.

Silence. That's what I need right now. To be silent and held.

Please STOP SCREAMING. MY HEAD CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I want to listen to him complain about his hilarious, pathetic life. While I desire her rage.

To lie there endlessly with no words slipping from my mouth... just the juiciest conversation one could ever imagine. With no voices of course.

PLEASE.

Just, GIVE ME SILENCE and STOP YELLING.

Calm me down. That's all.

--

Diseased.

And, all I can wish and hope for is that I keep this grin strapped on forever.

I dunno what this lightning storm is.

or where it came from.

But it sure as all HELL is comforting.

:)

Singing...

*Doo a diddy diddy dum diddy dooooooo.*

Big White Cars.

Something new and exciting.

Yeah?

YEAH.

Makes me smile.

Unexpectedly adorable.

Spilling my eyes out,

I didn't even notice you were listening so

intentely.

It's too crazy.

Yes, too crazy.

Familiar, and at the same look, a 'NEVER SEEN BEFORE' outbreak.

Too close?

I don't think so.

But I'll just keep it my dirty little secret.

I guess it's not so dirty.

So..

Just my little secret.

I'm so happy I know how to move my hips like 'yeah.'

Black Nights.

I don't know how.

But it smells like you again.

I dunno.

I still am.

And, I always knew it meant ALWAYS.

Those green eyes that seem to turn into a deep hole everytime they get stuck.

I always knew,

and I always meant.

Always.

But blips within that always are allowed. For everyone.

So now, I will take that blip of my own and keep laughing for real. Because this laughter makes every street sign the best green thing I could ever see.

or, maybe it's the little weasle's green leafed eye patch.

either way.

it's still an intoxicating green of happy screams.

Short and long for...

There was half of one last night.

All though the thought and assumption was to be that is was in fact NEW. Well, I looked later on and no sir. Only half way there.

But for me, that's the perfect amount. Because you see...nothing sticks anymore. But in a good way.

That velcrow belt that I used to wear... you know? The one with the pink and black and purple and blue...?

Yeah. I dunno I seemed to have ripped that off and now a red satin ribbon is wrapped around me, just once. I can see everything.

The word I'm thinking of. Can you guess?

I never thought I could understand it.

But I do. And now, when I see red...I SEE RED.

Ah! How lovely. Really.

How lovely.

did you uhhh, take it like a grown man?

inner monologue of a certain character. her name is CARRIE.

Here's the deal. I guess it's understood that you are unable to understand ... being that you haven't really had the chance or experience of growing up yet.

but. just. I dunno. care about something.

even though it's cool to act as though you don't (care). I promise. you'll be better off if you think sometimes.

even green balloon's and bitten halves of pizza are something to care about.

but, the thing is. you just take take take. always your way or the HIGH WAY.

it's not okay.

even when it comes to sleeping positions. or rope swings. or flashing colors.

yet, you are still sexy. supposedly ???

I see through to the bony toes and the fat shoulders.

and so will everybody else.

... if you don't shape up, sweetie pie.