The thing is. Truly. I love you. And you care about me. To an extent that I can’t imagine to try and understand..I guess. I don’t really know what to do with the amount of love I have for you. It overwhelms my life. Completely. I have never wanted to admit that. But it does. I put so much emotion into loving you. I usually have nothing left….and, the other night. After I left your house. I drove home…thinking really hard about what we had talked about. How much she had hurt you. How you are so confused. How you are uncertain of most things in your life. How all you wanted and want is for me to be happy. You just didn’t know how to do it. And, a lot of the time. I think, and feel that…it’s a possible thought to think that you could still love me, in that way. You just don’t know how. That could be me holding on to false hope. But…I don’t think it is. But you say you don’t love me that way, and for me… Just The thought of you pressing your mouth to another girls lips makes me want to throw up.
I drove home. I parked. And I just started sobbing. Uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to do. The breaths hurt. I went inside and my mom kept asking me to look at her. I didn’t want to. My face was swollen and my eyes were pounding. She told me I needed to stop. She told me that my broken heart needed to stop forcing me to throw my life away. She’s right. But I don’t know how to let it not. I hurt. And you know this. And I hurt because I don’t know any other way to start letting go. I pretend to fall out of love with you. But then I realize, I think I’m just coming to terms with the fact that may forever be in love with you. I don’t know how I could… I don’t’ know how I could love someone else. I’m scared to never love any body else as much as I love you. I’m scared I will never fall out of love with you…ever. I don’t understand the How and Why you wanted to fall out of love with me. Which leads me to sometimes believe that, you never actually did. But, you hurt…for me…and the invisible scars left..whether they are large or not... Will never let you forget me. And never will I forget you. I get scared because I know I will never be able to forget you. But then again. I never want to. The fact that you do care that much…I don’t think anyone else in my life would ever do that for me. Ever. You probably care so much more than most people I know about me. And I just don’t understand why I can’t see that. But I guess it’s because I’ve always felt it’s not enough. And because you shot down any strength I had in me. Any sort of love I had for myself left for quite a while. It has just recently started to come back.
It’s frustrating? Sad?..Sometimes… even there..the place that I feel like I can healthily release whatever IT is…I can’t even control it…the other day. I had to just set my head down on the floor and shake…uncontrollably shake my body and cry into my arms so no one knew. I wanted to scream and leave…but I couldn’t.. I was too embarrassed for anyone to know. For anyone to know how another person could effect not only the emotional but the physical aspects of me.
I love you so much. And I can’t do this anymore. I never want to push you away, but I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s getting to the point where you never leave my mind. Ever…not that you did before, but now. It’s so prominent. The hurt and the pain that you cause me. I can’t get rid of it. I never want to leave you. I never want to stop being near you. Ever. Just you in the same room. Makes me feel safe. Even if you are hurting me. It still gives me something to look forward to every once in a while. Since the day a girl told me you thought I was “cute”, forever ago…and even though I didn’t know a single thing about you, for some stupid ridiculous reason, I decided to open my heart up to you. There were periods of time where I’m sure I forgot about you. But I can’t remember them anymore.
Even though I knew you were in love with her. I never gave up…. You told me you liked me one night…then the next day, were back together with her. And that week, I was a wreck. And I didn’t even know you. Then you kissed me that one night (last year). But, I hate thinking about us last year because none of it was real. Nothing about it. And I don’t consider that my first kiss with you.
I consider my first real kiss in my life, when we were standing in my driveway. I kept laughing at you. Because you made me so happy. I was standing on my tippy toes. Laughing, giggling. You kept telling me to stop. And finally I just smiled. You kissed me then. And I pretended it didn’t affect me because I didn’t want you to know how much I cared. But that’s all I did…was care…probably too much. And, as much as you say you pushed me away…I did too. I would pretend you weren’t in the room when I knew exactly where you were and what you were wearing. You were the person I wanted to constantly be around but you were the one I never saw. We both expected the other to do, exactly what they were supposed to do. But neither one of us did it, ever.
I thought about ending it myself at certain times. But then I realized I didn’t want to give up because of the extent in which I cared about you. The extent in which I loved you. In which I love you. I love. I love you. I love you. And, I don’t know what to do. You hurt me. Everyday. And I’ just keep getting deeper and deeper into myself. Sometimes not. But for the most part. I am. I don’t know how to stop crying. I don’t know how to stop hurting. It’s an explosion sometimes. I don’t know when it’s coming. And all of a sudden I just break. You have broken my heart. So badly. I’m so scared it will never heal. I know I’m young in my life. But I truly am scared that when I’m an old lady, my mind will still wander to you and wonder what my life could’ve been like if we actually had loved each other the way we should have. And that’s what I hate the most.. I don’t ever feel like I was with you. We didn’t date or go out…are you kidding me? We never spoke. In no way were we together. We just kissed each other…nothing more. Nothing.
You and I have become so close. That it’s so difficult for me to fathom the idea of trying to let you go. Because you have told me that, you let me into things about you that most people don’t and will never know. And I’m so happy, truly that I am someone you do trust like that. Someone you can talk to. I would do anything for you. Anything. No matter what. And knowing that I am one of the closest people to you in your life gives me something. And I’m scared to let go of you because I think that will hurt you. But maybe it won’t. It could most likely not.
For a while. I wanted to hurt you so badly. But I kind of did... and because I was so EASY for you to love, I think it was that much easier to just let go, because you couldn’t deal with hurting me. Because you want to be a good person. But I don’t know when you will stop hurting me. There are some nights that I just ask…whatever IT is. Not god, but whatever it is…I pray that you will love me. Just one more time in your life. Just so we can say we did, just so I know that you do. And did.
I used to believe, and to a certain extent still do, believe that you can only be in love if the other person loves you in return. But, I guess, now knowing that you did love me. I guess I was in love.. and just can’t…again…can’t let go.
I am not saying goodbye. I’m just saying goodbye to loving you. In any way at all. I need to. I don’t know how long it will take. It could take forever. But, I want it to go away just so I can stop feeling pain. I want to kiss you. Always. Just so you know how much I do care. I don’t know if you could ever feel as much pain from Me as I feel from You. But just know that I want to hate you for it. I hated loving you for so long. But recently…I have loved loving you. And I don’t know why. I never want to stop. But I have realized. I have to stop. Because you are over me. And if you aren’t, and just think you are. Well. That’s you. But, thank you. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for that.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you to keep loving. I don’t know exactly what I’m saying sorry to. Or who. But I am. And, I wish you didn’t care as much as you do, just so it would be easier for me to stop. You are scared of losing what we have. Because you cherish close relationships. I get that. But you aren’t losing it, I promise. I just need somehow to leave you behind… in certain respects.
Of course after this whole speech I’m hopefully wishing you will grab me and kiss me and tell me you love me. But I know that’s not going to happen. And I think that’s what I need to start accomplishing…to stop living in my head with you. Stop imagining that you will love me again. Because you don’t. and never will. Ever. No matter how much I wish and hope and feel that you could. And that you still might. That gets me no where. I believe you could make me happy. I believe that if you loved me. And I knew. You could make me happy. Without even knowing how. I believe that to love someone is to basically be their best friend. To know them like no one else, and to love them like no one else. And not that you know everything and not that I know everything…but, You probably know so much more about me than most, even though they think they know me, and have known me longer than you… I just can’t lie to you. You are the only one who ever noticed that thing I do. The lip thing. And, I don’t know, it gives me great sense of comfort.
What hurts most of the time…is knowing that you probably spend, at most, 30 seconds thinking of me each day. When, most of my seconds at least think of you once. Within each second, I think of you, at least once. And I’m sure…right now, you could want me the least…because I’m so vulnerable. And so easy to get. But…not really because I’m deciding I don’t want you anymore. Right now. Because I have to not want you anymore. I have to….. no matter how happy you make me. It is incomparable to the pain you put me through everyday of my life. I don’t’ know if you understand how much it hurts. So often.
And well….with that.. I would like to say goodbye. I made you promise to never leave me no matter what I said, no matter how much I asked but…that doesn’t mean I can’t say goodbye. You kept another promise. And you better not forget, or break any other promise’s you made to me. The first, is that you will promise to tell me if you ever love me again. The second, is to kiss me at least once before you leave. And the third, is to NEVER leave me. But, I am still saying good bye
Goodbye.
I love you.
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